Syed Zeeshan Ghazi – June 27, 2020
^{Edited by Rabhia Shuja}

Everything I write is how I’ve personally experienced, conceived, and interacted with things. The topic at hand is masculinity. Recently, I wrote, being a ‘feminist’, today I’m writing about being a ‘men-imest’.

I blame men.
We blame men.
Society blames men.
For what?
For what they’ve become.
An alienated species.
Predators.

But did we try to understand what made them so? We fear everything unknown, un-searched, un-experienced before. We never want to know what the other person’s story is, what his truth is? Because we love playing the blame game. We love being the victim and the victimized. We often hear the phrase: “Larka he pal jayega!” No. That’s not how it works. You’re adding another psychopath to this society. You’re creating another abuser by abusing his right at life. You’re adding another ‘alien’ in this society. You brought him into this world, and so, it’s your responsibility to make him grow into a decent human being, a being he can be proud of. Yes! He can be selfish for himself. Because he cannot afford to be a loser. Because he cannot afford to be a failure. He is a survivor and you cannot take that away from him. Not today!

In a country like Pakistan, with the level of toxic masculinity roaming around, you unknowingly become what you’re not, what you never wanted to be or even thought of being, just to be accepted by friends and people around.

“Aray yaar ye to mard ni he!”

We force boys into becoming men. This society does so. How, you ask? Because men are supposed to be strong, assumed to always be the breadwinner, the one to make everyone else’s dreams come true except their own.

From the environment they grow up in, to the companies they’re brought up in, it is always hoped of them to be the next shield. the next bodyguard. Why? Because boys are meant to be strong? They don’t have emotions? They’re just walking pieces of crap? Hah? Really? Seriously?

I remember rolling out a piece of flour dough and my father looked at me mockingly and said, “Do what you’re supposed to do!” 

“Tell me, elaborately please, what am I supposed to do, and what I’m not? Please. For God’s sake. So, I can become a role model son in your eyes.”

I remember once I shook hands with my aunt and she jokingly commented: “Khusraya! My hands are harsher than yours. Toughen up! Be a man.” And obviously, it shattered my confidence, I was ashamed of myself. For not being ‘man’ enough. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.

And I still remember those words to this day. Words are like ghosts, they can haunt somebody to their grave for all you know. So, if you don’t like something or someone, distance yourself from them. But please, please, let others be what they want to be. You don’t know what they’re fighting with every single day of their lives. How close they’re from falling and how far you’re pushing them.

We’re the ones that force men to hide emotions, to always be the strong ones, and to become what they didn’t want to be. You’re burdened by the idea of giving your daughter dowry, then why do you burden someone’s son with the expectations of having a handsomely paid job, a handsomely built house, with cars in the garage.

Why is it that the girl’s parents dream of having their daughter married to a wealthy man, and expect decency and generosity in return. A lot might think, not everyone’s like this, and certainly I’m not talking about everyone.

I’ve seen boys, the ‘alpha’ males, mocking boys, even girls cat-calling guys with words like “na-mard”, bullying them to the point they lose their self-esteem. This is what you mocked them for. Keep your fragile masculinity and toxic femininity to yourself. You don’t decide when and where to feed on other people’s insecurities. And if you do, you better be ready when the time comes, because karma doesn’t forget someone’s address.

According to a research, 4 out of 5 suicide victims are men. At the age of ten, girls and boys both have the same suicide rate. At age 10-14, boys become two times more likely to commit suicide. At age 15-19, they become four times more likely to commit suicide. And by the age of 20-25, this rate goes up to five times. And we as a society think we didn’t play a part in it? We didn’t have a role to play in it? We sure did. And we as a society are to be held responsible and to do something about it.

We all say that society is a bad, bad thing. This society would judge you even for breathing. But who is this ‘society’? Who is it made of? Us? We? Is it a person? Is it a being?

We mock and blame society, yet we’re the ones who make it. Set standards, of being accepted, or being rejected.

“Oh! He’s one of us.”

“Oh no! He’s not.”

“He’s different.”

“Doesn’t deserve to live.”

We’re extremely sensitive towards our own ideologies, yet extremely insensitive towards others feelings and emotions. We’re the ones who make the air toxic and yet blame others for it.

Let’s clear out this air because at the end of the day, we’re the ones who’re going to breathe it together.

It’s OK if a man doesn’t work 9-5.

It’s OK if he wants to do something he’s passionate about.

It’s OK if a man is sensitive.

It’s OK if he feels things deeply.

It’s OK if he wants a break from life.

And it’s OK if he wants to breathe.

We survive as one, or we don’t survive at all.