Uswah Muttehira – May 13, 2020
^{Edited by Rabhia Shuja}

My brother and I are not married and we have been happily fighting since 1997. I was born first, and I’m one year, two months, eight days, and 17.5 hours elder than him. But unfortunately, 7 inches shorter than him. We love each other. At least from my side, it’s a yes. We have fought a lot, more than you can think. We use to block each other for months but our hearts still remained locked in with each other. We are not soul partners; we’re not even partners in crime but we are fighting partners. If there’s any danger, he’s there to protect me. I can call upon him anytime, anywhere. That’s what brothers are for, no?

We talk, we laugh, I often hit him while laughing, he hits me back, I pull his hair, he twists my arms and in the end, we use the block button again :’)

So yeah, we recently unblocked each other and started behaving like normal homo sapiens. We share things on Instagram, I send him piles of stickers just to disturb him during the call with his wife-to-be (never-gonna-happen). He sends me messages as well, like, “Gate khol do, khana de do, mun band krlo, dafa ho jao…wagaira wagaira”.

So, our life was getting back to normal. Until one day, when he enters my room, switches on the lights, and tries to find his t-shirt that I stole from his cupboard. He wasn’t able to find it because I’ve been wearing it as my sleepwear. During this quarantine time, he has helped me a lot while I’m dishwashing (coming up from behind me to scare me by saying ‘bhaoo‘ until I had water spilled all over me), washing clothes (by asking me “kya kar rahi ho?”) and when I’m damn busy in playing ludo. I didn’t feel anything abnormal until I had this dream tonight (technically not tonight but in the morning, which has become our night in these times).

“He is an artist who is building an underground art lab. I visit and find an old street with broken old flats with green little doors. As I enter the art lab, I find a small room with lowered roofs. Though I can’t deny that it’s beautiful. He is working and as usual, I’m trying to annoy him. He clears up some of the mess and I find makeup items sitting under the table (not some but A LOT of it). I get excited and start applying it on my face and tell him that I want all of this. He allows me to take anything that I like. As I’m trying on some makeup, a girl comes in and starts acting in a formal manner. I wonder who she is and why she’s talking to my brother like she owns him. In a minute or two, I realize that she’s his wife; she’s one and a half months pregnant with his baby. I didn’t like her. She acted as if she loves me but she didn’t even share her makeup that I really liked (don’t laugh). It was apparent from the way she nudged me away from the make-up and my brother. I glare at her as she walks out of the room.

‘I’m quitting my degree. I don’t have enough to build this art lab further’, he says as settles down onto a bean-bag. I quizzically stare at him. As it registers, I blabber out an offering to sell all the make-up I had taken from him earlier. He laughs and shakes his head. ‘It won’t be enough. I need almost 30 lakh to finish this. I..umm..we couldn’t figure out another way. So, as a family, we’re deciding to go abroad.’ It hits me like thunder. She was taking him away from me. Not just from me but from my parents and his own dreams that he had. I could sense an ache growing like a plant inside my heart.”

I woke up with the pain of losing him. I don’t know why I’m writing this. Maybe because I am afraid of losing him in real life or maybe I’m scared of the fact that wives often take their husbands away from their families and responsibilities or maybe how brothers feel free of their duties and relationships after their marriages? I can’t figure out if it is the dream which scares me or the imagination of seeing it happening? I don’t know if the dream was scary or knowing the fact that he will leave us one day? I don’t know if I’m afraid of losing him in the dream or losing control over my feelings for him?

I could feel the pain when we lose someone. We definitely lose people but losing the living ones is the most painful experience. Imagine you spend 25 years of your life with someone and then, they leave you (not to heaven) but on this very Earth, somewhere, sitting on the couch and smiling at the silliest things you both did together. And yet, you don’t see each other anymore. No texts like “Hey bro! What’s up?” or maybe even a random message like gate khol do.

If any brother or any married girl or any boy or girl who is about to get married are reading this, please keep this noted that before you tie yourself in a new relationship and make new promises, make one promise to yourself, one to your ALLAH and one to your family.

1- You would make sure that both sides get the equal rights, time and respect.

2- Make a promise to Allah that you would keep both sides happy and together with unity.

3- Make sure your family is happily ready for the one coming, and won’t get separated just because your wife doesn’t like your mom or sister, or your husband doesn’t like your brother. And, you make sure that you don’t get rid of your duties and responsibilities just because your wife spends more money on movies and shopping than the medical bills of your parents.

This is a message from a sister who just lost a brother in her dream. This is not from a sister-in-law. So take it easy and happy understanding!

With Love!

PS I woke up next to my brother, saw him sleeping, slapped him and ran away. Relieved!