Syed Zeeshan Ghazi – Oct 13, 2019
^{Edited by Rabhia Shuja}

One of the reasons I stopped writing after the fellowship is that I always feel like words lose their worth when they’re written. It might not be true, and it certainly isn’t, but that’s the case with me.

But since, I was asked to see how it feels like to channel my thoughts in the form of a blog, therefore I wanted to write about something that holds a significant place for me. This blog was never meant as an explanation to someone or for anyone. This topic has just been close to my heart and I couldn’t help but write about it. 

Two words that I want to address through this blog are depression and anxiety.

This is not a universal rule. But I’ll try to explain it as clearly as possible, from how I perceive it. Building upon these words, one of the few things that I would like to mention is that there’s a huge difference between being depressed and having depression. We all feel down and low at times. Don’t we? This is what the feeling of being depressed means. However, depression is what I like to explain as being sad for no particular reason. Having mood swings but not knowing the underlying reasons. Feeling irritated and acting irrationally in a way that generally does not resonate with your personality. Eventually, all of these lead to you being called rude, egoistic, or prideful, which obviously, is not the case.

It often means staying up late at night, even if it means sacrificing your sleep. Feeling anxious to be in crowds and to feel like running away anytime you cross paths with one. I’m someone who’ll take the longest path just to avoid any unnecessary interaction. It might seem like I’m the kind of person who thinks like:

“Oh! I’m so much better than them.

These people are like insects to me.

Why should I meet them?

They should be the ones to come up to me.”

Instead, it’s the exact opposite. It’s as if, you feel down, as if you are the outcast, unable to fit into the typical suit of a human, and your mind is always like, “I can’t handle this stress. It’s better off staying on my own.”

And we, as an introvert in the society, need time and space to heal. And by this I mean, we need to get back to our zone to act like normal humans. Otherwise, believe me, we’ll go crazy. And there’ll be, if not a zombie apocalypse, an introvert apocalypse for sure.

Sometimes, you’re up at about 3 am with no particular reason. You just lay in your bed, making up scenarios that have long been done or haven’t even happened. You just can’t bring yourself to stop thinking. Crying at night over things that wouldn’t even matter to you by the morning. At times being a party animal, and on the other occasions, being as excited as a sloth could get. You get flustered over things, trivial things, that shouldn’t even matter, to begin with. But they strike you, like an arrow, piercing straight through your heart. Little things make up your mood whereas mere things will ruin it. And you feel better when you’re all left out. You feel okay. Because if you get involved, you feel more and more depressed and just want to get out of there.

And it’s so difficult to shut your brain down. Also, I recently got a compliment, “You’re one of those people that continuously maintain a storm in their head.” And this is so true at so many levels that I couldn’t disagree with it one bit.

Moreover, I also want to address social anxiety. Yeah, that’s what I would call it. If I talk about myself, being in a group, especially strangers and occasionally friends too, it will make me anxious. It’ll raise my heartbeat unnecessarily. Most people will be like, “What the heck is your problem dude?!” And believe me, I ask myself this question a lot. But no matter how hard I try, I can’t bring myself up to get rid of the anxiety. 

At times, it’s difficult to even get out of bed, not because of the routine but because of all the interactions that feel like huge boulders. And it sounds so stupid. I know. But it is what it is.

I’ll usually cut myself off from interactions. But the reason isn’t pride or ego or anything like that, it’s my anxiety kicking in. There’ll be days where I’ll feel as high as a cloud. But there’ll be days where I feel like I’m in the depths of Mariana trench. Sometimes, you seem to be breathing but you don’t feel alive. Everything seems useless as if nothing matters anymore. And sometimes, you might be dying to talk to someone, to ask for help, for them to be there for you even without asking, but you don’t, because you don’t want to feel like a burden; or to be honest, you don’t want to be dependent on someone or get too attached.

Anxiety hits you so hard, and out of nowhere that you, yourself, find it difficult to grasp that what just happened.

Your heart starts to race without any reason.

Your body feels numb without anything happening.

You stiffen up.

You get anxious over little things.

Your legs begin to shake.

Every movement seems involuntary.

As if nothing is in your control.

And even though, when you know things are wrong, you just let them happen.

I’ve always had very pessimistic thoughts. And no matter how hard I try, I am unable to change this fact. As it’s become a part of my personality and I’ve come at terms with it instead of fighting it. Maybe it’s wrong. Maybe it’s not worth it. But honestly, nothing seems to be interesting enough to get out of this hell. But how to turn this depression, this anxiety, this anger, this rage into something that’s of some use to you?

Something that doesn’t let you regret things later. That doesn’t seem as if the whole world’s crumbling down on you. Or something that feels like as if you don’t deserve to live any longer?

So that it doesn’t seem as if you’re drowning, suffocating, dying in a hell that you created with your own hands?

Answers may vary.

The hypothesis may vary.

Deductions may vary.

Conclusions may vary.

But what you’ve to find is what works for you?

I remember whenever I felt depressed, down, low, anxious, I used to study more. I took my anger out on my studies. Just like some people eat more, sleep more, some eat less, sleepless, or do anything at all, when they’re depressed, anxious, angry, or don’t feel like anything at all. Because that zone becomes their safe space. And whenever they feel this way, they immediately run to that space, that shelter, that refuge, from everything that’s happening around.

Maybe this blog is my new shelter, space, a refuge that I’m looking for. And I hope it is. Just keep looking for answers around you, find it in the air, the dirt, the water, the trees. Anything that absorbs the negativity, the pain, and the expectations that are inside you. And you’ll find it somewhere for sure because by looking at the right place and at the right time, you’ll even find Allah, then how difficult would it be to find your peace? Your shelter? A place where you can go, and find mental peace and tranquility as well as to find your self.

I believe what we all need is to love ourselves more and more and more and more and more.

Because only by loving ourselves more, we’ll be able to love others more. Maybe you’ll see a part of yourself in them, or maybe an older version of yourself, or maybe a newer version of yourself; maybe something that you adore about yourself.

But the answer to this, is only up to you, yourself. No one else has any part to play in it rather than to show you their support, that they’re there if you ever need them. But don’t let yourself give in to this pitch-black darkness, because when you’ll open your eyes, you’ll always find a beam of light penetrating through this darkness. And believe me, I know how difficult it feels at times when you’re having these thoughts. But we have to remind ourselves that no one else is going to love you if you aren’t going to do that.

And all that’s written is a reminder for myself as well so that whenever I feel like giving up on things, I can remind myself of everything again, that why have I come this far and how far I need to go. I just can’t stop here and neither can you.

We all need to move forward hand in hand and lift each other at every step, rather than pulling each other down and ending up just where you started from.